I wish I could say that there were outlying influences for this, but the truth is, this is my default setting. It has been for a while. There are a lot of things that I can't control, but the things that I can are still in a mess. It's easier sometimes to label something a mess, messes by their very nature are things I don't want to look at, or trouble to fix.
I realise my mood is partly because I don't react well to change. I re-read a post of mine not to long ago about ruin. I realise that post is still the same. I am still in ruin, it is the mess of my own failures and emotional numbness that is still part of me
We all have ugly parts of ourselves, weaknesses we would rather hide. I accept that, but it still makes it incredibly hard to be me. I don't like it most of the time. 2017 is still the same me that I have been hauling around 7 years ago.
I have also seen something about me over this Christmas, my insecurity and self consciousness comes out in silence. I can't help but draw a gendered conclusion to that. It is something that I have been taught, and it becomes anger, a silent seething that I know is unhealthy.
I am also incredibly tired, not just due to the fact that I was watching a baking show until half 1 in the morning last night. This is a weak protest but I am trying. Still perhaps by changing the small things, the bigger things get less daunting. That is the only thing that has any show of success in my life.
Things have not all been doom and gloom, I saw the movie Pride last year and it made me cry, it's a good movie. I would however point out that it practically an all white movie (every cast member is white, you see maybe three people of colour in the whole of the movie). It's glaring to me. Is it a good movie? Yes, but this really needs to stop. I get that it's a period piece, but this movie's message is about inclusivity and acceptance, stop making this exclusively about white people's issues.
I also saw last year Love Under the Covers, the romance novel industry documentary. I am just really happy that this exists and I got to see it. It's got it's problems but it's about a subject that I am passionate about. To me this genre that everyone wants to dismiss, we got the last laugh. This is huge industry that caters almost exclusively to women. These stories are about women, written by women and read by women. I also just like that picture of a woman reading.
I think everyone has a story about the first romance they read, I can't remember the title but it was a nineties secretary and boss story, a Mills and Boon book. Romance has such a personal pull to me, as these books were the thing that kept me sane during my teen years. Over the years I found out from these books that women enjoyed getting oral sex, that sex was enjoyable because women found pleasure in it. Women were coming because the clitoris was being stimulated. Women were finding their happiness was aided by a relationship. You know what's really revolutionary about romance novels? In romance the woman always wins. That is something that is amazing. So let all the cynics sneer I will be laughing and engaging in stories that celebrate women triumphing.
Impassioned speech over, this documentary is worth a look.
I have also been cooking a lot of different dishes. Some great (I have cracked Risotto! And love making meatballs), some not so great (that apple shortcake was disgusting, as was the chocolate sour cream and yoghurt experiment). I have liked broadening my horizons.
This week of doom and gloom, I am going to recommend something purely silly, Semicolon (a song). It's performed by The Lonely Island fat. Solange. You can find it here: